moving on...

Ha. the title is misleading, as it indicates I am indeed moving forward in my life. I suppose in some ways I am, but i persistently feel stuck. I'm over Blake for the most part, I believe. but i never see him anymore, so who knows...what if he were to pop up into my life again suddenly, and i fell back into that heart-trap? he's like a steel bear-trap for hearts. it doesn't matter though. I'm safe as long as he stays away. I haven't seen him since July. It's November. Good.

I'm supposed to be writing 700-900 words for a column for the school newspaper... I have to have it done by two but instead I decided to write in here. Sigh. I really don't feel like writing. I wonder if I could turn in a half-assed journal entry instead? I doubt it. Maybe if it were a progressive paper and less conservative. Maybe I'll just not go. Just be like "Fuck you guys. You suck anyways." Except I like the editor-in-chief, Rikki, and I know what an asshole I'd be by bailing out last minute. Even though I hate the teacher. Ok, well not hate. Dislike.

So...the stuck feeling. What about it. I don't know. This morning I went up to my math teacher to talk to him about making up the test I missed last week (I slept through it because I wasn't prepared and didn't feel like getting up), and he patted me on the back and told me "You're a wonderful student." It was the most depressing thing ever. I'm not a wonderful student, I'm actually a horrible student. I never do the work until last minute, I put forth a tiny fraction of effort and am never surprised or pleased with good grades, only indignant and irritated when i receive bad ones (although more often then not they're what I deserve). I don't even like math, really. I sleep through his class half the time. Just because I somehow managed an A last eight weeks he thinks I'm a wonderful student? It depresses me. I can't figure it out. I think I just like being depressed.

I think all my problems are my own fault. Or rather, the fact that I let problems make me stressed and miserable is my fault. I bet you anything my life would be excellent, without having to change anything about my life at all except my piece-of-shit attitude about things. Maybe I see being content as overrated and boring. I never can seem to do it for long. Germain accuses me of being insecure and acting pathetic to get people to feel sorry for me. He's right, of course, and it only makes me feel even shittier about myself. Great. Now I'm always second-guessing everything I do as a plea for attention. Why am I sitting here writing all alone when i could be socializing or at least doing homework? Probably because I want people to look at me and say, "Damn, what a loser. She must be sooo depressed i bet she takes vicodin. Idiot." and then I'll be satisfied that I don't have to keep up appearances. Or maybe just my appearances are easier to keep up.

Ah. It's even worse now. Now three people are sitting here at the table with me and I'm ignoring them to write. But I need writing. I feel that I've had more than enough of socializing lately. Well not exactly as harsh as that... I don't know exactly what I mean. That' s why I have to write. What did my yoga teacher call it...self-study. I need to self-study. Reflect a little more often. Figure it out. Figure me out. Why do I function the way that I do? I don't think I can trust myself with another person until I can figure myself out. It's likely though, that I'll never really figure myself out and I'll probably end up trusting the untrustworthy and regretting it (see entries below for example).

I think one of my problems is consistency. I'm never consistent in things that I begin. Writing, drawing, painting, photography, soccer, bike riding, mandolin. I start learning something and as soon as it gets difficult I quit. Sometimes just for a little while, but even if I start again, I'll still quit again. Shit...what am I going to write about for the 700 words? I have having to write in an orderly, organized fashion. I much prefer to just expel this motley thought train with word vomit.

Sonnet II

Sonnet II

Edna St. Vincent Millay

I think I should have loved you presently,
And given in earnest words I flung in jest;
And lifted honest eyes for you to see,
And caught your hand against my cheek and breast;
And all my pretty follies flung aside
That won you to me, and beneath your gaze,
Naked of reticence and shorn of pride,
Spread like a chart my little wicked ways.
I, that had been to you, had you remained,
But one more waking from a recurrent dream,
Cherish no less the certain stakes I gained,
And walk your memory's halls, austere, supreme,
A ghost in marble of a girl you knew
Who would have loved you in a day or two.

everything i'm not saying to you

how the fuck dare you! i can't believe it, you ask me to jump into this relationship with even though i was frightened of the very word, and yet i decided it was time to take a chance on someone, even though i was terrified i'd be a shitty girlfriend and i would end up hurting you. i did it anyways. and i when said 'get into this with me' i didn't just get in, i dove in fucking headfirst like an idiot who doesn't know what she's doing, cause it turns out the lake was actually a pool and now i've cracked my skull open at the bottom. thats what i get for...for... fuck, i don't know what for. trusting you. thinking i could safely fall in love with you. thinking you would fall in love back. and now you say you can't do this, you have personal shit to get through, you cant or won't tell me really what that stuff is, just that you can't be in a relationship right now. i feel like you asked for my heart, and i gave it to you, and you held it for a little and the whole time i was waiting giddy with anticipation to get yours back, and instead you had me mine back. but you handed it back in shitty condition cause instead placing it where it belongs inside of your chest, you just held it out in the open air letting it dry and out and crumble before handing it back. how come this seems to be so easy for you? it hurts so much that you don't seem to even care that what we had so briefly is gone. it must've meant nothing. your pain apparently is so much greater than any happiness i could bring you. i feel insufficient and worthless. i couldn't make you happy and now i must suffer alongside you for it. why did you let me give you my heart? why did you ask for it if you knew all along that you didn't want it? why is it you can say "let's just let go of this, trust me, it's for the best" as if it's something so easy to let go of, like a cute stuffed animal you decided wasn't really worth the fifteen dollars. just put it back. no harm done. means nothing. sure, i'll just let go. no problem fuckhead. let me just rip my feelings for you out of my chest where i've been nurturing their growth with tender loving care, let me rip them out and tear them to pieces and then burn them and then throw the fucking ashes of them in your eyes. i wish you'd stop pretending you cared for me at all. i really thought you did. i really really really did.... the way you would look into my eyes and how when we kissed you'd stop and smile at me as if you couldn't help it cause you were so happy, the smile was just contagious, and you'd say in that goofy awkward way "you're great" as if you couldn't believe how lucky you were, and i began to feel the same. every time we hugged i felt like i was in this safe place where i didn't have to worry about what the other person thought, their affection was assured and genuine. and now i feel as if that was all a cheap fraud. if i had actually meant anything to you at all, why have you given up so easily? why have you just quit on me with a pathetic, "i can't do it." what i see is "I can't do it, you're not worth it. maybe if i liked you more i could get past my problems." but no, you don't. your problems are so much more important. 'personal stuff.' what the fuck? ok, here's what i know. you dated this girl a year and a half ago. you guys were very serious for a long time, but things fell apart and eventually you just stayed together so you wouldn't have to be alone, and you started feeling like she was just using you for sex. so you broke things off, and for up to eight months, except for the three while she was in the mental hospital, she would call you hundred of times begging you to take her back i suppose, and threatening to kill herself over you. ok. thats enough to fuck anyone up. strangely i feel better now that i've re-looked at that. that is pretty fucked up. maybe i should just pull my angry little head out of my ass and realize this probably has nothing to do with me. it's just that i feel offended that the reason you're ending things with me has nothing to do with me at all. what can i do? i feel so hopeless and helpless and i hate not being able to make you happy. i still like you a lot, i honestly thought i was falling in love with you. and i thought maybe you felt the same. and as i had a feeling that strong, probably the strongest feeling i've ever had, and i find out that it's not enough to make you even want to TRY to be with me longer than one goddamn week, yea, i get hurt and angry. how dare your fear and pain be stronger than my love? is my love so weak as that, that pain that's over a year old can defeat it like it's nothing? it makes me cry and cry and cry, which is what i've been doing the past hour. i don't think i've cried so much since i was a little kid. actually i know i haven't. congratulations you broke the dam. and by 'dam' i mean heart. now i'm back to where i've always been, laden with the knowledge that i truly do have an expiration date. after a maximum of two weeks, a boy just can't stand to be with me any longer. maybe thats just how long it takes them to realize how flawed i am. so selfish and arrogant and vain as well as insecure. now i feel as if i'll never actually be in a real relationship. before i felt like that, but the knowledge was light. now that i've had a taste of the happiness i could have, that weight is immense. now i have to walk around knowing that to be in a relationship you have to risk having your heart trampled on like you mean nothing. i don't know how people do it. i feel as if i'll never be able to trust anyone again and that makes me mourn for myself, now i now i'll always be alone. when alone my flaws maximize themselves, i'm a better person if i feel loved. i know it. right now i feel like a worthless scumbag. i want you, you don't want me, and the pain is unbelievable.

ANGRY

i'm so pissed off right now at you! WHY WHY WHY?!?!?!?

girl meets boy. boy flirts. boy texts. girl flirts back. girl texts back. girl and boy hang out. and then again. and then again. boy tells girl he likes her. girl says, lets just be friends for a bit, wait and see. they wait. six days. girl tells boy she likes him too. next thing she knows, she's swept off her feet in a whirlwind of romance. five intense days of happieness. then boy says "i can't do this"

ah fuck describing it that way. that way sucks. this whole situation sucks. what im getting at is that im angry he's still doing this. he said he couldn't possibly be with me, than changes his mind for what? a day? a day where i think we've worked something out and we're trying.... and now he's back at that shitty conclusion. he can't be with me, it's too hard. his ex from a year and half ago fucked him up so bad she's ruined my happiness. i wish i could meet her and tell her she's awful for doing this to him. to me. 

i like him and i like liking him and i want to continue doing so. i thought he felt the same, it certainly seemed so, but apparently his likage of me is not stronger than his...what is it? fear? fear of what? that i'll hurt him like she did? that he'll hurt me? that we'll end up horribly unhappy due to each other? how does he plan on living the rest of life....alone? if he's not willing to try to get past this now, how will he later on? he's just going to be attached to his lonlieness and sorrow and thinking nothing but bad things about himself, and it will be a horrible addiction that never ends. 

maybe we won't work out in the end. maybe we're not meant to be together for all eternity. but he's not even willing to try past a WEEK with me, even though he likes me. or at least he claims to. i'm beginning to wonder if this entire thing isn't just some concocted story to get rid of me without lowering my self esteem cause he's too nice to say "i'm just not into you." at least that makes sense!! and then i could feel bad and then move on. instead i think he likes me and i know i like him and i can't understand why he won't try to be with me when we both are into each other. he just tells me to run as far as i can before he hurts me. fuck that. i'm no puss. i'm not giving up so easily.

i don't know how he expects me to just accept this. i'm not a weak person. i don't give up at the first sign of adversity. he may not know it, but he's not going to be truly rid of me until one of two things 1. i have no more feelings for him or 2. i'm sure he has none for me. and seeing as i've gotten pretty attached, it'll have to be the second. otherwise he's stuck. i'll try not to harrass him. but i'm not going to forget him, i'm not going to pretend he doesn't exsist, i'm not going to pretend we're 'just friends' and thats it. I LIKE YOU ALOT DAMN IT AND I'M NOT ABOUT TO JUST FORGET IT.

thats it, i'm taking a nap.

jeapordizing my future?

let's make a list of all the work i'm not doing right now.

• three page book critique, due tomorrow
• 14 analyses of historical documents, 125 words apiece
• 8 math assignments
• a ten-page research due in one week
• seven or eight pages in my french workbook
• three overdue 'cultural activities'
• organizing and labeling my photography in an album

i think that's about it. not to mention finals are next week. fuck fuck fuckkkkkkkk WHY can't i just do my work? it's so sunny outside, so warm and sunny... green grass, sunshine... sigh. i'm in the library not getting anything done.

a large part of why i don't get anything done is the fault of a boy, by the name of Blaine. well, his name isn't really Blaine, but my name isn't really Jane, is it? anyhow, this way our names rhyme.  i like him so much i don't even think i can write about him right now. i guess all i can really say is that he's a huge distraction and within the past three weeks that i've known him he's managed to make me feel incredibly happy almost to the point of feeling unworthy, and disastrously upset and hurt and angry, and then back to happy again. 

he is so bad for my homework - but oh, he is so worth it. i think now, anyways. i just hope i don't regret anything later on. i don't think i will, as long as i can manage to pull my act together in time, so that i still manage a decent GPA. i don't think i'd fail anything, not at this point... in a way i wish i hadn't met him until school was out so i could've finished the semester better. but i was floundering before i met him anyways, now that i think of it, and i probably would've found something else to keep me distracted. i usually do.

geez some lady is coughing here in the library and it sounds like she's dying. that is nasty. i think soon i will drive up to the school and make some photos in the darkroom instead of writing my book review, which desperately needs to be written. oh guilt guilt guilt. i wish i could just turn a note in to my teachers that say "I didn't do my homework because I fell in love instead." Do you think they would accept that?

Am I in love? I don't know. I know I care about him immensely, and that when, after just five days of being officially 'together', he told me he wasn't ready and couldn't be with me, I was devasted. I went and sat at the end of the little pier in my neighborhood and cried. That's saying a lot, seeing as i don't cry readily.

You know what? I thought I would feel good writing in here again, but I don't. I feel exhibitionist and bland. I thought I should start writing again, maybe write some poetry or prose, to get out my feelings, as an outlet.... but this is not satisfying. I feel like I'm giving a news report. Maybe I'm not being honest enough. I think that's when I truly feel the essence of writing, is when I lay something out there that I don't want other people to see, something true and ugly and unavoidably me.

Maybe I'll try again later.

so whats up public at large? its janey jane jane here again, 2:45 in the morning and i just spent and hour and half lying in bed not sleeping, so idecided to give up for awhile. im hungry but im too lazy to go downstairs and eat, and i dont want to have to brush my teeth again.

soooo i thought id write in here to maybe get some thoughts out of my head so i could fall asleep, even though its obvious the resason i cant fall asleep is simply because i didnt wake up until 4:30 this afternoon, after sleeping for 12 1/2 hours. no wonder im not tired.

im so annoyed at how lame my life is. i still dont have my drivers license, im still not in college, i still dont have good friends, i dotn even have any marijuana. all i have are so pseudo-buddies and cigarettes, and an irritating job at starbucks. the ship is still delayed, my escape is still yet to arrive. i want to shave my head but i dont want to have to answer any questions about it; i just want people to pretend its normal for 18 year old girls to have buzzcuts. i have a little baby crush on my friend josh who lives inconveniently in Ohio, i miss all my other friends, who live in California and Brasil and other various nations around the world (Norway, Australia, Mexico, Germany, Poland, France, Finland, Denmark, Canada... how can i be that i have such luck to have so many great friends all over the world but such luck to have none nearby? thats the nature of luck i guess.

the high point of my week was when a couple came into starbucks and accidently almost gave my some hungarian coinage and i told them how i had a hungarian friend and he taught me how to say "i love you" in hungarian but i couldnt remember what it was, and then the man told me 'It starts with S...' and i remembered and said "serret lekt" (spelled wrong im sure) to them and they pleasantly laughed at the nice starbucks barista who loved them. for some reason i foudn it really nice that instead of telling me what it was (or not telling me) that the man gave me a hint so i could remember it on my own. it felt good to remember how to say i love you in hungarian.

i want to get my drivers license, drive to Chelsea's Coffeehouse, and ask for the phone number of the guy who works there, andi dont even know why. i cant really remember what his face looks like, i just know i liked his voice and his manner. he's probably a few years older than me, 23 or so i'd venture to say. would he mind going on a date with a licenseless bald eighteen yearold? probably not his ideal date. im not bald yet though. and maybe i'll get my license soon. in my mind i call him Bob Ross Guy, or Bob for short. maybe tomorrow when i go out with Anna for late lunch we'll end up there and i can talk with Bob a bit and see if im still tempted to flirt. he probably has a girlfriend who he loves very much, but she cant possibly be mad at him for me flirting at him.

raechel sent me another boy-angst email. she seems to only write when she has boy troubles. i have no boy troubles - i have no boys. bryan is a boy but hes just a friend. i think. iono. i do like him, but im scared by the thought of him falling in love with me, i know i wont fall in love with him, and also i dont want to have a 'thing' with him only because im desperately lonely. i know we make good friends so why should i let that change? i dont want to lose half of the friends i have here - bryan and anna. ive gone out with jamie from work a few times too, but im using her to get high and shes using me to have someone nonjudgemental to pour all her problems into - and she has a lot of problems. i never say much, she does most of the talking. interestingly, now that i think of it, when i go out with bryan and anna they also do most of the talking. have i become less talkative? or have i just simply made friends with very talkative people? before i was always known for talking alot, usually a lot of nonsense. hmm. interesting thought.

i dont know. i feel bad about going out with jamie just to get high. its not that i dont like her - i do - its just that if we werent getting high i wouldnt want to hang out with her. that makes me a downright shitty person, and not much of a friend. but on the other hand, i dont think she really wants to hang out with me exactly, i just fit the bill of a quiet non-judgemental person who will let her say whatever she wants to without arguing, cause im so docile around her. i just dont have the energy to fight with jamie about anything even though i disagree with all her justifications. shes one of those people who never accept blame or responsibility, and im too lazy to try and change her, i just let her live her life they way she wants. its her life, and its so fucked up honestly i dont really want to get very involved in it. her friends are sketchy and the kind my parents would tel lme are 'dangerous' and i shouldnt be around. i dont think thye're dangerous personally, but they arent the kind of friends i want. i want motivated, inspired, intelligent people who i can talk with and who can understand me. but if i want to get high theyre fine, i guess. as long as i dont get in a car wreck.

ok im too hungry to type any more. i guess ill go eat. this sucks. i typed and i dont feel any more tired, any less hungry, and not even more satisfied from writing. i basically feel the same way i did when i sat down, except more hungry.

damn you all.
g'night.

wow people, what is up with the world today?

more appropiate question, what is up with me?

fun facts:

1. i didnt sleep last night
2. i feel like im on a caffine rush but all i had was one cup of coffee, and not very good coffee either
3. ive become obsessed with the tv show 'House' and have begun to think like a fictional cynical, depressed, huge jerk NON EXSISTENET doctor
4. black guys are hot. thats not from the lack of sleep though, its just something about a cute black guy that melts me since ive been back from Brasil
5. i hate math, claim to hate science but i liked chemistry and i find reading ameurter lay books on neurology fascinating
6. i have a secret blog which you are reading. i dont know you, do i? oh thank god!!

hmmm what am i up to with my life now? let's see... 2005 i moved from my happy northern californiana life to my friendless exsistence in texas... i graduated from high school a year early. i went to brasil for a year, partied like mad, learned portuguese, developed higher self-confidence and drinking tolerance, lost my virginity (and got caught! oh yay!).... now i'm back in friendless texas-land. i work five days a week at a starbucks, i have no drivers license, i rarely practice driving,
i'm not going to school, i have no definite plans for college other than "i'd like that"... i bummed a ride downtown with my mom and im sitting at the University of Houston library typing away on my stupid secret blog that no one knows about or reads... i'm surrounded by young people who were motivated enough to apply to a university and get accepted, unlike lazy stupid me who cant get my act together.

of course, i have an excuse. i'm probably going to go work on my dads merchant marine vessel sometime in the middle of september, heading most likely (but not definitely) to several ports in Africa. or perhaps Asia, or the Mediterraean, but not not likely anywhere else. i'm thrilled at the thought of going to sea with my dad (the captain) but i cant stand the undefinitiveness of his career sometimes.... its all so variable. first the ship was supposed to arrive in houston in late august, then it had to stop in italy first, so its delayed until early-mid september, and now its in italy but has to make a side trip to israel, and its going back to italy, and then after that it goes to south carolina, then louisiana, and then houston. so now the ETA (estimated time of arrival) is september 25, so it'll probably arrive around...let's see....october?

i have a bottle of caffine pills in my purse. i dont know why but im so tempted to take one. i'm not tired. i may not have slept but i have plenty of suspirciously adrenaline-like energy.

DRUGS. it's a topic on my mind in big bold capital letters. in brasil i went through my ALCOHOL and SEX phases and now, deprived of parties, the legal right to drink, and friends in general, the big D is niggling my curiousity. probably why the Fictional (i must capitalize lest i forget) vicodin addicted Dr. House captures my restless imgination so. probably explains why i want to take not one but THREE of those caffine pills in my bag, just to see what will happen. probably explains why last night when my sister took out of her large green prescribed migrane-defeating pills, i was half hoping (or three-quarters hoping...) that she would drop one on the floor unnoticed, accidently leave the bottle out, go into a crazed rage and shove one down my throat to see what would happen to me later.... my curiousity is probably why i went searching through my room for that old bottle of vicodin i had left over from when i had my wisdom teeth removed last year, and probably why i was disappointed to find they had disappeared (later accounted for by my sister... she gets migranes and i dont). probably why ive smoked weed about four times this month... not a really high number (hahaha...high number) but compared to my earlier zero times it's quite a rise, and in all likelyhood, rising.

what with the removed anti-drug pressure of my older sister (she broke up with her boyfriend of two years and instead of protesting maryjane abuse as before, shes now wondering if i could maybe hook us up), and the raised avaliabilty and opportunity to smoke (aka jamie from work), my vague depression and clear lonlieness, combined my insatiable curiosity and reckless youth; i have a feeling instead of ceasing to use pot, i'm going to turn to it more.... i've barely started into my DRUGS phase, far to early to turn out now! i got kicked out of the ALCOHOL and SEX cause i'm no longer in Brasil (1. easy access to alcohol 2. i had a boyfriend... and regular friends for that matter). drugs (illegal or no) are actually easier to get in the states then alcohol (for someone underage, obviously, as i am....obviously).

i started smoking (cigarettes) in january. i quit when i came back to texas. i started again three weeks later. i quit again this last saturday. well, i quit buying cigarettes as of this saturday anyhow. if jamie offers me one after a joint i hardly would say no.

it's 9:38. i'm supposed to meet my mom at the front of the library at 10. i better get off and go do something else so she doesnt suspect i spent a whole hour writing in a secret blog. of course, i could always tell i her i was purusing myspace, but then what would be the point of coming to the library? i told her i wanted to learn today ( and i do... i mis learning, i miss school, i miss feeling like more than a mindless working ameoba).

ok. im going to go.

reasearch topics today:

brains!
travel
brasil
film
drugs
do i know how to do math? do i like science?

hmmm.

voltei

well, im back. for the moment. i just need somewhere to write where i dont feel judged or apprehensive about someone finding out things that i try to keep relatively hidden. for example, my rather recently adopted habit of smoking about two packs of cigarettes a week. yesterday (sunday) i decided with Ben and Julie, two of my best friends here in brasil, that we were only going to smoke on weekends from now on. i lasted about 17 hours, i think. lets see how i do tomorrow. probably not so great. my only feeble hope is that julie, or at least ben, will fall with me. just so i wont be alone in my sinful weakness. i feel guilty for smoking, but only when i think of my parents or friends finding out about it. otherwise i seem to be mostly alright with slowly destroying my health. i never planned on being athletic anyhow.

Right now I'm compiling a playlist of all my favorite 1990's songs on my youtube. a way to pass the time. current favorite... Tom's Diner by Suzanne Vega. current favorite band... Cake (not 90s, but whatever). so i decided yesterday at Pessimu's (a bar) with Josh, the guy from Ohio who i kiss when i see. the only ways i know how to describe our relationship are literal ones. "We kiss each other. More often when I'm drunk." Anything abstract and non-tangible, such as emotions, I'm at a loss for. he doesnt live in my city though, he lives in Araçatuba, which is a seven hour bus ride away. i'll see him again in two weeks when i go 'the raça' for the annual Rotary Conference.

Recently I've been living life very shallowly. On the surface... i dont venture in deep often anymore. About an hour ago I finished watch the film The United States of Leland and although i missed the beginning, it made me feel like diving a bit deeper again, something i havent done for awhile. All i do as of late (as of...hmm since august i suppose) is wait for the next party, the next time to go out with my friends and have good (and generally drunken) time. I've changed, but I dont feel its in a bad way. Honestly i like myself more than ever right now. I dont know why. I suppose nowadays i feel so much more free, so wild, so honest... when one just lives on the surface of things there's no reason for faking and lying. I care so much less about the judgments of others, I'm so much more confident... despite all the bad habits i've picked up on exchange, what i've gained is so much greater. freedom of spirit. and im bilingual, thats kinda neat too.

i dont know how im going to handle the confinement of my parents house and rules when i return. not to mention the restricting laws of our nation, and the conservative culture in general. whenever i think of leaving this place i feel so lost... i have no definite plans for my future. i tell everyone that im going to go work with my dad and travel to africa, but honestly i still dont even have that confirmed yet. its possible that i may just end up at San Jacinto South Community College until im 21, like my older sister. But i sincerely hope not... i am so incredibly ready to move out of my parents house... metally and emotionally, that is. fincaially... unfortunately not so. thats why i hope going to work with my father really does work out. I'll earn some money, hopefully stay onboard until January, go to San Jac for six months and work as well (i'm thinking starbucks or barnes and noble)... and hopefully by then i'll have enough money to go to a real university (one at the very least several hours drive away from my parents house) or even better, go to Europe and work or study there. And if i have the money/time for a train pass, i can do my own europe trip, staying in the homes of all the european friends i've made on exchange (i'd say theres at least ten who would welcome me into their homes).

i have school tomorrow. i generally skip but im starting to feel guilty about that too. so im going to go eat, shower and then go to bed. which will take me another hour undoubtedly, but i dont rush my nighttime rituals. i think its because i know if i get to bed too early i wont be tired enough to fall asleep, and i hate just lying in bed not sleeping. it feels like such a waste of time.

boa noite.

My 1990s Hits List:

(song, artist)

lemon tree, fool's garden
the way, fastball
sex and candy, marcy playground
toms diner, suzanne vega
bitch, meredith brooks
where have all the cowboys gone, paula cole
waterfalls, tlc
no scrubs, tlc
dont turn around, ace of base
the sign, ace of base
all that she wants, ace of base
kiss me, sixpence none the richer